Balex.ca

It’s not selfish, if you don’t hurt anyone in your process.

Indulge.

I’ve never understood the concept of sexual-orientation and why it’s so important for people to define. Isn’t the goal in life to find love? Whether it’s through the work you do, or the people you meet? Love is love, and the further we put it within a box we restrict ourselves to what love is meant to be - a free spirit, flowing in the wind of self-expression.

We should love because we can, not because we were conditioned to covet the experience it brings.

Awkwardness is such a strange concept. I wonder how much of it exists due to the fact that we have such a clear-cut word to use to describe an experience that is so vague.

I was watching a Saturday Night Live episode one evening with Charles Barkley doing a skit called “White People Problems”. One of the jokes was a couple talking about how awkward a situation was, and Barkley responds “For those of you at home, ‘awkward’ is a white people word that can be applied for every situation”.

That’s what got me thinking - I know awkwardness exists cross-culturally in different levels or forms, but the way in which we deal with awkwardness is drastically different from culture to culture. I started to think about cultures that are very open and confident (sometimes seen as feisty and arrogant) and awkwardness doesn’t exist in the same context that it does within North American society.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/awkward

Looking up the definition, “awkwardness” just refers to the discomfort when lacking grace (either social grace, physical grace). I suppose we use it so strongly in the social-grace context, because we’re taught that all conversations should flow smoothly, as should all human interaction. And when it doesn’t, it lacks grace. Which is understandable - it’s just that extra mental layer of “this is the worst thing possible” when things become silent, or things stop flowing with their social grace.

It sucks that I’ve learned the over-blown definition of awkwardness; the one that has strong and unnecessary connotations to pain and suffering. I’m pretty sure that’s the main reason why it perpetuates within me. I should remove that from my mental vocabulary as words to analyze situations.

This is such an awkward post.

So awkward.

No it’s not… sigh.

Everything here is painfully theoretical. Without being plugged into the city, the people, the making, the doing - all I have here in my suburban parent’s home is my mind to interpret reality. I sit here, theoretically applying for theoretical jobs, through my theoretical portfolio, theoretically freelancing and working on theoretical client projects.

Okay they’re all real yes, but there’s something so painfully disconnected with my mind when I’m here. There is only so much reality to sending emails and Facebook messages and meeting people through Google. Texting is not a real friendship.

I’m going crazy. And my mind is taking over me, and distorting reality. Borderline psycho. Sorry mom and dad, I love you and what you provide me - but I just gotta get out of here.

My soul won’t survive here.

(For those who have been following me, yes I’m still struggling with the same issue. I’m in a catch 22: too busy to actively search for places in the city to live, but the more busy I get the more I need to live in the city. I frustrate myself greatly.)

I post when I’m not spiritually well, and am trying to work something out. But I think I’m doing okay, hence the silence in my lack of posts.

I’ve been playing the guitar lately, something I haven’t done seriously in a long while (maybe 3 years?) but it just poured out with love through the strings.

I’m happy. It’s quite refreshing.

Thanks to my friends who endured my low last month. Amazing how it’s only been a month since.